
silent on the issue, but in our 52 years together I think I remember two.
Ryan proudly announced he would join Tim, having never
received a ticket, but of course he is only fifteen.
For most of the tickets there was a story and some were
interesting. Sean was counting the
states where he was cited and remembered Illinois as being special. He was driving a rented car and was stopped
for erratic driving at 1:30 in the morning.
The cops walked him through the classic tests of standing on one foot,
reciting the alphabet from a letter chosen at random by the police (without
singing), walking a straight line, walking backwards, and of course breathing
into their contraption. He passed all
with flying colors but was still driven to his motel, just

Tim reminded us that quite recently, when driving home from
our house, he ran into a check point, but was waved through after answering in
the negative as to his recent consumption.
He found out later that ten people were cited and charged from the check
point in just a couple of hours on a residential street.
Lauren’s single ticket came from doing 80 mph on a toll way,
where the limit was 65. The irony of
that was she was in her first year of driving, was alone, and was most
concerned that the ticket would cost her our bet, which was $300 against $50
that she would have a reportable accident her first year driving. It didn’t and I gladly paid up with dinner at
Ruth Chris Steak House.
Tim and Sean’s stories got me thinking. About the only test I could pass, at my age and physical condition would be the
alphabet and most of the time that breathing bit. I can’t stand for any period of time on one leg. Walking forward on a straight line is
complicated by my pretty much all-the-time limp. I might be able to touch my nose with my eyes
closed, but I wouldn’t lay bets on that.
Why don’t they have a better test for us old folks?

Why might these questions serve as a matrix for how impaired
a senior is? The litmus test would be
how fast the suspect switched the subject.
Some might have to do with cognitive memory; e.g. “I just got a new hearing
aid and only paid $100.” “What kind is
it?” “About 6:30”… But more likely it is
the lack of concentration that comes from imbibing. How soon the Senior pulls out the pictures of
his (or hers) grandchildren would tell a lot.
As would, “Stop me if you heard this one…”
I’m not asking for favors…just a level playing field.
Speaking of playing. Check out my next post when I’ll weigh
in on the big Mother’s Day story: Kobe and his mom. See you then.
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